Episode 40:  How to date while having Alopecia 

 

Today’s episode of the podcast is about How to Date while having Alopecia

KEY TAKEAWAYS COVERED IN THE PODCAST

On a first date, if you like the person, would you disclose that you have alopecia? How to navigate dates when you have alopecia? If you're dating someone, take the time to evaluate them before disclosing your condition.

HIGHLIGHTS YOU CAN'T SIMPLY MISS

• Not everyone is meant to be in your life long term 13:45
• The right one will never be afraid of anything that happens. 14:48
• So when someone loves you unconditionally they're
  not waiting for you to change. 15:58
• Loving you unconditionally is loving you as is right now. 16:16
• We still need to love ourselves unconditionally. 16:40
• You are worthy of love, unconditional love with
  or without your hair and you deserve better. 18:03
• It starts with loving ourselves so much. 19:00
• Loving yourself first, first and foremost,
  that's the foundation to everything. 19:37

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Transcription

Awaken to hair growth. Awaken to hair growth because there is possibility to get your hair back. Awaken to hair growth because we're not told that we're able to conquer and overcome alopecia. Awaken to hair growth because I want to be a positive light and beacon for you because I've healed my alopecia and now I help others do the same with different types of alopecia, men, women, children, of all ages, of all races and ethnicities.

Welcome back everybody. This is alopecia angel podcast, awakened to hair growth. Today, we are talking about “How to Date while Having Alopecia”, and this is somewhat frequent concern because alopecia, has a way of coming up for everybody. I've had clients from eight months old to 73 years of age. And at any point in your life, you could be dating. You could be dating when you're 21, You could be dating when you're 31, You can dating, you could be dating when you're 61, right? So just like alopecia doesn't discriminate with age.

It also doesn't discriminate like when you get it and you could be dating at any age, and this could be a situation. And for me, in particular, it was a situation I was dating when, I had alopecia and it was the beginning of alopecia and yes, I was, wanting to find my true love and it's hard.

And it's hard to navigate these waters when you yourself are still trying to understand how. Navigate them yourself, right? You're still trying to understand and comprehend what's going on. And so if you need to take your time, that's okay. Take all the time. You need to reevaluate to reassess and to almost get more information, right?

Because the more information you know, then you're able to help them understand. And I will say, when it comes to health concerns, not everyone is privy to your health and to that situation. And so that's probably one of the first things that I would say is evaluate who you're dating. If you're just having coffee here and there, getting to know people and being a social butterfly, well then guess what not everyone is privy or needs to know and they don't need to be having full disclosure of your medical history. That's how I feel. 

But, if you do find somebody that you are interested in and it’s goes both ways and you are getting serious, and you are talking, and you are seeing each other, and you are being exclusive and you are taking those steps to being more formal.

Then I would say, yes, it is necessary for them to know so that they can support you and they can, be there for you in any capacity. And this would probably be actually a task, a beautiful task, really. Of the relationship of how both of you support each other and How they can, you can, as a couple, be stronger together.

And so, I've had a question, asked me before, or somebody had asked me before, like if you're on a first date and you like the guy, would you disclose that you have alopecia? And I would probably say no, no I wouldn't. And why is that? Well, cuz I could like the guy, but what if they don't like me?

What if it's not reciprocated, right? You don't know if they like you or if they like you for the right reasons and so this is another thing, right? Because you wanna make sure that your agenda is on the same page as their agenda. So, if your agenda is just to have fun, that's great. Then you can just have fun and not even have to worry about alopecia.

But if your agenda is to get married and have kids and or maybe just to get married and to have a stable partnership. Well then, that's totally different as well and so you have to see what agenda, what mindset you're going into this whole dating situation and go from there. But for me, in my case, I was dating and I was getting to know people and I was being a social butterfly and I met my husband.

And at the time, again we were just dating and it was a little bit of a long distance in the beginning. And then, once we decided actually he told me, he told me that he wanted to get married. And I was a little taken by surprise, but at the same time, I was excited and ecstatic and thrilled about it. And so once we discussed that literally four months later, or five months, yeah, maybe three or four months later, I was diagnosed in the salon by my hair stylist in California.

And he had diagnosed me and told me, Johanna, you have alopecia and that was the first time that anyone had mentioned this word to me. The first time ever and so I was very upfront with my husband and I told him he wasn't my husband at the time we were dating, but we were serious. And we knew that there was a plan and we were going to get engaged and we were gonna get married and we were gonna do, take the steps necessary to.

To do what we need to do to be together to live, happily ever after so to speak. So in any case, once I got back from the salon. I composed myself, cuz I was crying in the salon. I composed myself, I did a little more research and I was on the internet. I made some phone calls. I got, I went to go see a couple doctors.

And then I told him about it and I was like, Hey, you know, I have this situation and it's called alopecia. This is what I know and these are my thoughts around it. This is what doctors tell me, this is my next steps. So I came with him with a plan of action and he was very supportive with me. And he was very patient with me because if any of you are going through this, that there's mood swings, there's moodiness and there's, fatigue and there's not wanting to, to do a lot of things, but at the same time, there's also concern and depression, and anxiety, and sadness and despair at times in angst.

And so even though I try to muster the strength to be the best. Possible and to show a very positive outlook. Cause I am positive and optimistic by nature. It's still war on me and it was still challenging to say the least and very difficult many times. And so he was there, he was extremely supportive and he was able to take pictures and just Navigate every so often every time I washed my hair or every time I wanted him just to check and measure visually to see if the spots were getting bigger or if they were connecting, or if it was getting smaller, or if there was hair growth, or what was going on and so he was able to help me navigate that.

And he was able to, just support me, give me those extra hugs, give me that extra TLC when I needed it. And to let me know that everything was gonna be okay. And in one way I would remind myself that everything was gonna be okay because I had the deep belief that I was gonna get my hair back.

But when it came to dating and to dating him in particular. I was upfront and interestingly enough. Actually we had spoken about a lot of health topics prior to me getting alopecia. We had talked about fertility and whether we wanted children and this and that. And we talked about just a plethora of different topics when it came to health.

And so, Maybe it was also because he had some family members who were going through cancer. Maybe it was also because health became a hot topic in general for me and for him. And also because he is a professional athlete and so maybe it was also because he was interested to see how he could upgrade his health.

And so there was many aspects to health that we were talking about and so when alopecia came, it was just like one more topic to tackle. And again, he was very supportive, but I was also very upfront with him. And not once did he, did he change or did he change the way he looked at me or anything?

And so I think that the take home message here is to be upfront with those who need to know. And those who need to know are a part of your inner circle. And I would say. If you have the experience of maybe somebody that you're dating or you're seeing shy away from the situation, then help them understand the situation with knowledge, with education.

And if they continue to shy away, well, then maybe that's an indication that maybe they won't be as supportive as you think they will be for the future. And so this is something to analyze, right? Because when we go through hurdles in life and when we go through situations, you get to see the character come out of people.

And that's a good thing. You want to see the character and what they're made out of because are they gonna shy away when it comes to a difficulty or a challenge? Or are they gonna be there for you when you need them the most, right? 

I remember when I was traveling one time I was traveling with two friends and we got into a motorcycle accident. This is back more than 20 years ago and but I still have the scar to remember this motorcycle accident. We were on the study abroad trip and all three of us, we decided to go, search for these special beaches that were somewhere near the town that we were in.

And so we got on some motorcycles and went along, but low and behold, the motorcycles we rented weren't strong enough for our weight, nor were they strong enough to hold us as we were going up on an incline up a rocky offroading type hill. And there was no pavement, It was all dirt road with rocks and we fell over and the muffler hit my friend's leg all the way down.

So from the knee down, it hit her leg. She grabbed the skin and the skin tore off and I had been actually in multiple little motorbike accident. In my younger years. And so I knew not to touch the skin. She grabbed it and she pulled it off. It touched the muffler had also touched my skin and I didn't touch it.

I just let it kind of blister because that's what you're supposed to do. Let it blister and it'll patch up over the next couple weeks. In any case, I got to see then, what my, how they reacted. How this friend and another friend reacted and what the next steps were for us as we were traveling together. We were all sharing a hotel together. We were all traveling together as young 20 something olds. 

And so we ended up going back to town, getting the medical care that we needed for her, at least not for me, for me, it was just a blister, a big blister but Skin was still there. With her it was a little more raw and unattached, so it was a different situation.

But in any case, we went to go get the medical care and we decided to take the next bus out to, to go back, to where we were and so we did. And I'm still friends with one of the people,I actually lost contact with one, and in any case, what I'm trying to say is you get to see the characteristics of people at their weakest and also at their most vulnerable.

And you get to see if they're right or die friends or if they're right or die partners. And if you can count on them or not. And so when it comes to dating, I would say yes, be upfront, be vulnerable, be open with those who you think have a long term trajectory with you. If you see that you guys are on pace for a longer term relationship, then I'd say yes. Be honest, Be upfront.

Let them know what's going on. If you barely just met each other and you barely just have this happen, if you feel the need to tell them, tell them, be honest with your feelings and how you wanna feel personally, I probably wouldn't tell them because you just don't know if that'll just fizzle out on its own or if alopecia would be the motive of why it's fizzling out.

And so. I like to get to know the person little by little. I don't necessarily jump in, but at the same time, we're all different. So I would say keep it as a need’s to know basis until you are confident, and the education that you have so that you can share that with them. And then also have them understand that, the steps that you're taking, cuz more than likely if you're listening to this podcast, you're taking steps or you're about to take steps to heal and reverse it.

You're not gonna be one of those ones that are just gonna sit. On this diagnosis and do nothing about it. If you're listening to this podcast, it's because you wanna heal and reverse it. And so I commend you for that. Hopefully they will too. And they will support you throughout this journey of healing and reversing alopecia.

And that's what you want. That's what you want out of friends. That's what you want out of family. That's what you want out of a loved one, out of a partner, right? You want that partner to be there for you in good times and in bad. And alopecia is a diagnosis, but it's not the end of the world.

You can heal and reverse it. And so the key here is to be upfront, is to be honest with them and to also have your intuition guide you, if your intuition says not to say anything and just like, wait and see what happens, then take it day by day. If your intuition says they need to know so that they can help in support me.

So they can understand that if I'm having a down day or an update or a weird day where I'm off personality wise, because of going through this turmoil of going through this traumatic experience on my own, then maybe they can help me and understand me a little bit better and have patience with me, right? Cause that's what we're needing.

 And so this way too. They can have the patience. They can have a little more TLC and they can support you because this is what we want in terms, in times of need. We want community, we want love and support. And if potentially the person that you're dating doesn't have that capacity.

Then maybe they shouldn't be dating you and maybe you shouldn't be dating them. So it's just some food for thought. I would say be open, be honest. If it's a first date. I would say, take it with a grain of salt cuz you don't even know what, if it'll go beyond that, I've had many first dates where it didn't go beyond anything.

And so, just take it with a grain of salt, not everyone is meant to be in your life long term. It's only a small circle of people who will be in your life long term and so consider that too. Before you make any announcements to the world about your diagnosis before. Before you personally can understand it and have the time and space to chew on it and to really comprehend everything that's going on.

So take the time and space for you first and then consider everyone else. And that's what I would say. And that's what I did actually. I took the time and space for me to understand it, to do my research, to understand what my next steps were, so that I can walk my loved one, including my husband now. But at the time we were just dating, walk him through my next steps and what was going on so that he can understand and support me.

And he can just be there for me Emotionally, Spiritually, Mentally, Physically in all aspects and in all capacities. So I hope this has helped when it comes to dating with alopecia. I think the right one will always be there for you. The right one will never be afraid of anything that happens. Just the opposite, they're gonna want to be more involved. They're gonna want to be there for you. They're gonna want to just do anything and everything possible and in their capacity to help you thrive and to help you win this. 

Because you can win this. And so these are the type of people that we want on our team and the people who shy away, the people who are scared, the people who don't have time, the people who don't want to give time or effort or energy into our healing journey.

Well then that's okay, that's their choice. But you decide who stays in your life and who goes, and ultimately that's You are the key to your future. You are the key to Community. You are the key to your inner circle. So I would say, be very mindful of that because when you are healing from anything, including hair loss, you want positive, upbeat, optimistic people, people who are there for you, people who love and support you unconditionally.

And I think this is a word and a term that isn't really understood wholeheartedly. Unconditional love is loving somebody with or without hair, with or without health, with or many characteristics, many qualities and so when someone loves you unconditionally they're not waiting for you to change.

Maybe they want you and encourage you to get healthier. That's something different than waiting for you to change and do something about a certain habit or a certain topic, but loving you unconditionally is loving you as is right now. Not your future self, not your past self, but as you are right now, a hundred percent mind, body spirit.

And, and that's what we need. We need those friends who love us right now. We need those family members who love us right now as is. And so yes, we can change. Yes, we can improve. Yes, we can better ourselves, but unconditional love is still a needed ingredient for all of that. We still need to love ourselves unconditionally, right where we are, in this journey for healing, but then also our future selves, cuz our future selves are gonna show and develop and we will change and hopefully they will embrace that change to. It's taken a while for my family to embrace the changes that I've made and I'm very disciplined.

And so I've made these changes andI talk to them because they see that my health continues to. To expand and to just be incredible. And they also see that regardless of whether family members are older or younger than me, that a lot of times their health isn't where it should be. And so they start to churn and say, okay, what can I learn from Johanna?

What can I learn from her instead of Criticizing her or instead of like saying, oh, or instead of isolating her. And so people will come around. Family, friends, loved ones will come around. So not to worry about that, but when it comes to dating, I feel like the strong will survive.

If the guys, the guy or the girl, or whoever is meant to be in your life, they will stay. They will embrace the challenge of concrete alopecia with you. They will stand by your side. Regardless of whether you go bald or not, or whether you are radio bald or not, they will love you. And if they don't love you, well, then you can show them the door because you are worth so much with, or without your hair.

You are worthy of love, unconditional love with or without your hair and you deserve better. So show them the door expect better and you'll get better. And that's part of it, right? Expecting more, expecting better. So that type of love comes back to us and so it's not like, it's not like a bunch of girls and then you raising your hand, pick me, pick me, and then, trying to compare yourself with other women.

That's not it, it's holding true to your values, to your morals and who you are and loving yourself just as you are. Of course, we all want to get better. We all want to take baby steps or changes or leaps to change and do better for sure. But T=they need to love you now today as is the future self is great too.

But today now as is unconditional love. And I think that's the goal here in any partnership, right? In any relationship that there should be an unconditional love and unconditional type of patience and respect and so it starts with us. It starts with loving ourselves so much. That we either enforce that or we don't enforce that from others, but I'm almost positive that if you're listening to this podcast, you're already on the healing journey and the person who is that you're dating or seeing, or in a relationship with they're supporting you.

And if they're not, again, you can show them the door. You can also have those conversations with them, but then ultimately we decide. You decide, how we want our life, how we want to live and who we want to share that with. Do we want to share that with people who love and support us unconditionally or not?

We have that choice, but loving yourself first, first and foremost, that's the foundation to everything. 

I look forward to speaking to you on the next podcast. In the meantime, take care, subscribe, and please rate and review our podcast. Alopecia Angel awaken to hair growth. All the best to you. Take care.

Thank you for listening to the alopecia angel podcast, a positive light in healing. Alopecia. You can do this and we can help spread the word that reversing alopecia is possible by telling your friends and family.