Episode 121 - How to Support a Family Member or Loved One Who Has Alopecia Without Creating Strife

Hi everybody and welcome back to the Alopecia Angel podcast. I'm your host Johanna Dahlman. Today's podcast episode is about how to support what to say and do for a family member, for a loved one, a sister, brother, father, mother, uncle, aunt, niece, nephew, etc. who potentially has given up hope, given up on themselves and maybe doubts that anything will help them.

I've had tons of people come to me say: Hey, I love your program, I want to do this, I want my sister to do this, I want my brother to do your program, I want my niece, my nephew, my cousin to do your program, but they are doubting. They are on the verge of giving up, they are not wanting to do anything more, they're not wanting to move forward. And this is a difficult and yet challenging and delicate situation.

I'll say this from my own perspective, in my own family, we have someone who is going through muscular dystrophy, and this is my aunt, and she has been going through this for many years now. And as someone who, who works in the healing scope of your body and of your, your mind, body, and spirit. I can tell exactly what her blind spots are starting with the healthcare situation where she lives. She lives in a country, I won't say it where the healthcare is very socialist and it's very subpar.

So even if she wanted to, she couldn't get more help, even if she wanted to, which is very disturbing to me and also probably to her as well, because this forces her to settle unless of course she left the country. And if you know my story, that's exactly what I did, cause I was in the Netherlands, it was quite similar and I left to get better help and lo and behold, I didn't find it. So I blazed my own trail.

I've gotten a couple emails here recently from people who love my program, who want the program for their sister, their adult sister, not their kid sister for their adult sister, for their adult brother, for their adult niece, for their adult nephew, for their adult child. For all intents and purposes, the adult who has the alopecia doesn't want to do more, doesn't want to go on, doesn't want to put in any more effort, maybe because they're tired, maybe because they're exhausted, maybe because they doubt, maybe because they have their own reservations and maybe because they need a break. Because I will say the healing journey is exhausting, it really is. It's mentally exhausting, it's physically exhausting.

And the thing is, it's even more exhausting when you don't have the route, the planned out route. It's even more exhausting when you don't have the guide. It's even more exact exhausting when you don't have the answers. It's even more exhausting when you don't know what that next step looks like or what you should be anticipating or what this looks like, or if you need to go right, when you should be going left. It's like trying to get to a new city without a Google Maps or without MapQuest back in the day.

Many times you do get lost, just like without having a regular map to that destination that you're going to. And I'll say in my own journey, it took me 4 years and I had no map and I only had my gut instincts and my perseverance and my faith. I kept going and I kept going and thank God it came out the way it did and I got the healing the way I got it because all those hiccups, all those detours, all those left turns and right turns led me to where I am today. So in many ways, it has not only benefited me, but also benefited everyone who's done my program, which I'm grateful for because I love helping others.

But the real concern here and the real topic today's podcast is about helping that loved one who doubts themselves, helping that loved one who is exhausted or for all intents purposes, potentially just tired. This is a difficult pill to swallow for the loved ones looking on the outside in. So, for example, in my own family, where we have my aunt who has muscular dystrophy, which is progressing on a yearly basis, it's very hard for my family to see this. Not just progress, but then also deteriorate the quality of life for my aunt, but then also for her husband and also for her daughter and also for the other family members who see her.

Just like we see it from the outside, the deterioration of her quality of life, of her happiness, of her freedom, because she is wheelchair bound, and of so many other things. In many ways too, the email I got today from a lady who, mind you, wants to do the program for her sister, her adult sister, but the adult sister is exhausted, tired and fatigued. And so in the same way, this lady comes to me and asks me for my advice. Like, how can we do this for my sister without creating more strife? Because it does, and it can create a rift, right?

And so, for example, even in my own family, my grandma, who's my aunt's mom, continuously says: Hey, you need to be doing this. Hey, this should be happening. Hey, why don't we ask the doctors this? And you know, my grandma's very persistent, this is probably where I got it from. Very, very persistent, very persistent and wants to see, you know, her child, her daughter heal. And even though her daughter is 50 some years old, she still wants to see her whole and happy and healthy and vibrant, right? And thriving. We all want to see this for all our family members, right? It's not just our kids, but it's also our sisters, our brothers, our aunts, our uncles.

So, going back to this email, this lady sent me this email asking me what can I do without creating a rift, without creating more strife, without creating more havoc or chaos? Because this has been an ongoing situation in my family for over 20 years. My sister is alopecia universalis and we want to see you're happy and healthy, but how do we get her to do the program, drink the water, right? And get her on this route, get her on this path without creating more strife. This is a delicate situation. So these are my 3 tips that I gave her.

The first tip is to actually gift her the program. This may sound like a big gift for many people, but I will say that if you gift a gift, then the person or the loved one has no other option, but to say: Okay, I have no excuses now. Now I got to do it and now I get to be on this journey. And so that's one way that you can overcome any strife hurdles or disagreements or, you know, any bumping of heads or bumping of things is to say: Hey, I'm going to gift you this, and this is your birthday gift, Christmas gift, this is your I love you gift, this is just a gift just because. That's one way to do that.

Parents can do that for their children, you can do it for a loved one and I think that would be a very beautiful gift to give because you're giving them the gift of health, hair growth, and so much more beyond that. But that could be one way.

A second opportunity would be to introduce them to the Alopecia Angel podcast and say: hey, listen to this, you know, it's free, it's available to everybody and we have over a hundred episodes where you have interviews, where you have testimonials, where you have people who've done the, the work. The, the program, people who have seen hair growth at various ages, whether it's the parents talking in the interview for their children who are underneath 18 years of age, or the adults who are 20 and over in menopause, you know, in their 30s and their 40s etc. over 65, who still see hair growth.

And I think sometimes that when you listen to inspiration, when you see success stories, this plants a seed in someone that yes, it's possible for me too, because that's the problem I think. The biggest problem is that many times people don't believe. People don't believe that it's possible for them. Like we can read all day all these amazing stories in the newspaper about the 90 year old who just completed their bachelor's degree for the first time ever, the 80 year old who just finished their fifth marathon, or to the 60 year old who just climbed Mount Everest for the first time, we can read all these inspiring stories but then for some reason we don't believe that it's possible for us.

And even though there's so many success stories on the Alopecia Angel website, on the interviews, on the podcast, there's still people who don't believe that it's possible for them and this is hard. I try to showcase all different types of hair loss so that people do believe because it is possible for everybody. Just like no one says and no one discriminates and doesn't even think twice about a tree that's able to grow flowers or a tree that's able to grow the leaves. We know that's possible and you have different types of trees, right? You have the evergreen, you have the ones that are perennials, you have tulips that come once a year, you have so many different types of flowers and trees, but no one discredits them or even thinks twice or doubts that it's possible for them to grow leaves, grow flowers.

And just like that, I don't doubt that anyone can grow their hair back, even after chemo, even during cancer. I actually have clients who are going through cancer and do my program and see hair growth. And the thing is, it's like you think about all these different health concerns and I got to tell you, it's like, you can overcome it all. You really can, but you got to believe and you have to have faith. There's a book I'm actually reading right now and one of the chapters is all about faith. That you have to have faith, that you have to be able to do your due diligence, but then you move the needle, much more when you have faith.

This is key because you can't do things without faith, you can't just say hey: I'm going to build a house and then not have faith that it's going to stand up, that it's going to hold, that it's going to have a roof, that it's going to be a lovely home for you and your family, right? There has to be a portion of you with faith for that next step. This is where many times we have this conflict, just like my grandma and my aunt, right? There's that conflict where my grandma has faith that she can heal, that she can reverse this, that she can do this, but some extra effort needs to happen. And this is probably the conflict that maybe you are seeing with a loved one as well. Just like this lady who wrote me and who wanted some tips and advice about how to deal with this without creating more disagreements, more disruption, more riffs within the family unit.

And so that's another option is to #1 Gift her the program #2 Would be to show her the podcast and have her listen and have her take her own steps into seeing what's possible for her. Because the thing is, it's like you can believe and you can be on the right path, but that person who's going through it. Whether it's alopecia or hair loss or a different diagnosis, they need to believe it, they need to believe it's possible for them. And this is where you can lead the horse to water, but you can't make it drink. You really can't, but you can only encourage them, you can only encourage them.

The other thing that I would say is tip number 3 is to, even if it's your adult sister, like in this case, this was the lady who was talking to me about her adult sister, would it be to say: Hey, let's do the program together. Boom. And I find that when I encourage that within families, when I encourage that, especially with younger children, and let's say there's multiple siblings, or let's say there's mom, dad, and you know, one child has alopecia and the others don't. And I tell them all to do the program together. This is where everyone, there's a leveled playing field and no one is singled out.

We're not doing this program because of Jimmy, we're not doing this because of Claire, we're doing this for everybody, for everyone's health, for everyone's wellbeing. So boom, the whole family gets healthy together. And to me, that's beautiful because we know that probably the parents are having some sort of health concerns and maybe the other children are, are, or they're not. But either way, we're all going to get healthy together. And that's the way I like to showcase it. We're all getting healthy together, so potentially if you have an adult brother, sister, niece, nephew, and you wanted to give them the program, you could say: Hey, I'm going to do it with you. And this is the way I'm going to support you. I'm going to do it with you.

Cause I'll say, if you have an adult child and the parents just want to pay and that's it. It might be a little more difficult if the adult child isn't supported 100% and this is where, you know, the parents should come in and be like, let's do it all together. Let's all of us do it together because that's the team spirit that I'm looking for in reality. That's the team spirit that I'm looking for. And just like, if I'm going to have a diet and lifestyle change, I'm going to be as mom here be doing that for my child. I'm going to be introducing that to my husband and to everybody else in the family. And anyone who comes to eat at my house or anyone who comes to, to stay with us, like all these things would be automatic whether or not you like it.

So that's the way the show runs in my house, but I know this is different for each person, but going back to other pieces of advice is that at the most minimal opportunity, you could also say: Hey. subscribe your sister's email or your brother's email, your niece or nephews, or your mom or dad's email or whoever's email onto the Alopecia Angel subscription list and they would get my emails for the different podcasts for our different newsletters. And at least at a minimal amount, they would be able to see and just have kind of like that seed planted and be able to on their own pace at their own time at their own will be able to learn more about what's possible for them.

That's a very respectful stance that you can give to a loved one without imposing your own beliefs. Cause that's the other thing too, right? We don't want to impose on someone else's beliefs. So for example, in my aunt's case, she believes like this is her destiny and this is it, like she's gonna be wheelchair bound and she's gonna have the future that Google says she's gonna have. So if Google says that she's gonna turn into a vegetable and lose all aspects of her muscles, all aspects of her speech, all aspects of her life and quality of life, she's reading that, she believes that and lo and behold, her future is being created just like that.

And she currently has, she's on that trajectory, she's on that route to worse and worse quality of life to worse and worse, you know, capacity to sustain herself, to walk, to lift herself, to feed herself, etc etc. And I tell you this because it's not like, I share you a little bit of my own family because I'm living it myself. And the thing is, it's like, if we start to peel back the layers, we all can relate to someone who doesn't want to change. This could be a grandparent who doesn't want to quit smoking, this could be a mom who doesn't want to, you know, quit some sort of other addiction or maybe is not taking care of their diabetes or is not taking care of their cholesterol or something or other, but it's impacting at some point it will continue to impact the rest of the family unit.

This is quite detrimental, right? If you start thinking about your parents, if you start thinking about your grandparents, like what are they doing now to help their situation later? What are they doing now so that they can be healthier in the long run, right? And so we all have someone that, that we care about. We all have someone that we're concerned about, we all have someone that we worry about, right? Again, there's only so much we can do as adults because at the end of the day, we all have to individually take responsibility. I see this too with adult kids and also parents where the parents want to do the program or vice versa. The kid is the one wanting to do the program and the parents are like: No, we're not going to pay for it. But then they're on their own, on their own island.

So the dynamic will change for everybody and it will be different for everybody. But what I will say is that you get further ahead with support and that comes in the form of whether you're the parent or the adult, and you can give them that gift. If you say: Hey, here's a gift, do it. That makes, the hurdles, the doubts, the worries, the concerns, the, the objections, the limiting beliefs, it all kind of goes away when it's gifted. And so that's one, one possibility.

The next step would be to say: Hey, let me give this and support you and do this and be on that same trajectory with you, because that too would be a huge support. And also they wouldn't feel isolated. They would feel like: Hey, I've got a partner, I've got somebody doing this with me and we're doing this and we're making it fun. And we're, you know, doing this together and we're both getting healthy. Even if the other sister or the other brother or the other sibling or the other adult doesn't have alopecia, you can still do the program and still get healthy and healthier than what you already are.

Because I can guarantee you they probably have some blind spots and more than likely if they're over the age of 40, statistics show your health decline is probably declining at a rapid pace, especially if you're an American. But this happens and can be possible for anyone else around the world. And so more than likely anyone and everyone could probably use a boost in health, right? And that's, that's the name of the game. So I understand that this is a concern and this is a worry for any adult going through this and having a loved one going through this.

In order to really help and support the loved one, we got to see like what their objections are. Many times it's excuses. Our objections are our own excuses. It's our own limiting beliefs. Well, this won't help me because it's been over 20 years. Oh, this won't help me because I'm too old or I'm too young, or I'm too this, or I'm too that, or it's not available in my country or whatever. And that's not true because alopecia angel is available in any country around the world. It's available to you when you want, we cater to adults, children, men, women of all ages. I actually just had somebody join the program and they're 80 years old. 80 years old and they're doing the program.

To me, that's a huge honor, but that at the same time, that's also a beautiful testament of someone who doesn't want to give up of someone who wants to heal their hair loss, even at 80 years old. Cause you know what? More than likely she'd cut another 20 to 30 years left of life. And why not have hair? And why not be healthier? And why not do better? Cause this is your life and at the end of the day, everyone has a choice. And this is where, if you go back to a few podcasts, previous podcasts, I talk about radical responsibility. And this is where that comes in. We all have to take responsibility for our choices and there's a choice to heal and there's a choice to give up and there's a choice to settle.

Many times it's because we're not asking the right questions, many times it's because we're not doing more for ourselves. And I'll say you got to do more for yourself in order to see those results. It can't be just you going to a doctor and then giving you a

prescription and then you thinking that this is going to heal because it's not going to heal like that. This is going to come from you taking responsibility for all your actions, for all your diet and lifestyle.

And for those of you who think this is just diet, you're completely wrong. This is not just diet, this is so much more than just diet. And the thing is, we all have a choice. And at the end of the day, so do your brother, your sister, and your loved one, whoever that loved one is that's going through this. The adult, right? I'm not talking about the child, but the adult, and so we all have that choice to heal and we all can heal. And I've always said since day one that the first step in healing is believing. And again, we can't make the horse drink, but we can lead them to water.

So if you have a stubborn horse who doesn't want to drink water, I would say, start small, subscribe them to our email list. They can get our podcast, they'll get our emails, they'll get our newsletters, and they'll just get more information. And sometimes that's what you need to do, you need to nurture them with information of what's possible. The second step would be to say: Hey, listen to her podcast and have them binge, cause we have over a hundred podcast episodes and counting. And the third step would be to say: Hey, I gifted you this program and this is great, do this.

I've gifted programs before to people because it's important. It's really important. If you care enough about somebody and you want to see them develop into the person that you know that they can be, that you know that they are able to be. Sometimes they need that extra encouragement. Sometimes they need that extra push. Sometimes they need more of a handholding and even it could even be more of an extra support. And so there's different levels of support, right? And so this is where whatever makes you feel comfortable as that loved one on the outside for the loved one who actually is going through the alopecia.

This is where you can seamlessly give them information with a quick add on their email to the subscription, or, you know, you can say, Hey, let's listen to the podcast together and let's talk about it each episode. Or you can say, let's do the program together. I've seen this in many times where, for example, I know somebody who's gifted to their brother an entry ticket to a marathon, a full marathon, that's 26 miles. And so these two brothers have never done a marathon until one brother gifted it to the other. And so they started training together and they started, you know, this was actually, After Christmas, and they started training together and they finally did the marathon together.

And that's a beautiful gift, the gift of health, the gift of activity, the gift of movement, the gift of, you know, doing something challenging. Running 26 miles is not an easy feat. I've never run a marathon, nor do I have the want or the desire. I've done small marathons, like 5Ks and 10Ks, but not a full 26 and a half miles. That's a major stepping stone, but these two brothers did it and guess what? It brought them closer. That challenge of having to wake up early morning and do this, even with kids, even with, you know, marriages, even with work, even with all these other things going on in both their lives, they made a commitment to do this together.

And I saw how that one gift of an entry ticket to a marathon as the Christmas gift. It was actually a Christmas gift joke, it turned into something so much beautiful. And those two brothers are now closer than ever. They travel together and they do so many things together, even with all these other life responsibilities that they both have. And that's a beautiful thing. And so imagine you're doing the program with a loved one, even if you don't have it, alopecia, and then you're able to bridge that gap and come together and be so much healthier. And that to me is, is a true sign of love and support. And it's going the extra mile. It's really is.

And so those are three tips that I'd say that you could do to help a loved one who potentially for any reason that they may have is fatigued, tired, doesn't believe, doubts, has reservations, has limiting beliefs. You know, you can get a bad haircut, you can get a bad hair color job, but you still have hair, and that can all be fixed. And so actually those things don't bother me anymore because you can just fix it and just like having the hair loss, you can fix that too. And many times it's our mindset. It's our mindset that doesn't allow us to move forward and many times we are our biggest obstacle.

I see this over and over and over. Sometimes it's us, us ourselves, where we're the ones who are keeping us from being our best, keeping us from moving forward, keeping us from developing into a beautiful person with the hair, with the health, with the happiness, with the freedom, with the peace of mind that we want and we yearn for, and we get in our own way. They'll say as humans, we're really good at that. We're really good at getting in our own way.

So if there's one takeaway from this. And if you are a loved one listening to this for an adult child or an adult sibling or an adult person in your life, who you truly deeply care about. And you don't want to create strife or riffs or any other, you know, bad blood, so to speak, has this lady who emailed me today, I would say, look into these three options and see which one you feel most comfortable with. If this lady's sister, for example, is ready to throw in that hat and she just wants to give up on herself and on her alopecia journey, well then just subscribe her and let her, let her just get these drip emails little by little.

It could be something very subtle, she wouldn't even know that you subscribed to her email. That next step would be to say: Hey, listen to her podcast and let's listen to it together and let's talk about it. And that next step after that would be to gift her the program, encourage her to do the program or do the program with her even better, do the program with her. And I will say that. If you don't know, if you have more than one person do the program in your family, there's actually a discount. So, for example, if you have two siblings in the same family who do the program, there's a discount there. So, happy to do a family discount if you have multiple people do the program, happy to offer that.

At the end of the day, and this goes to the person who wants to see their loved one heal and whole, it's their decision. And this is something that many people, it's hard for them to grapple with. It's hard for my grandma to accept my aunt and her situation and her condition and to say: Okay, I'm just going to sit back and watch my daughter just be okay with her muscular dystrophy and her withering away. Because my grandma's not okay with that. She's definitely not okay with that, and she wants to do more for her daughter, but she can't do more.

a) Because they won't let her, and b) Because it's one of those topics that's, you know, they can't talk about anymore. It's done, because that's her decision. And that, at the end of the day, that's what that is, it's her decision. And just like your loved one who has the alopecia, who may have already thrown in the towel, that's their decision too, to maybe not heal.

And I see a lot of people actually who've decided not to heal. And if you look around, especially at social media or maybe even on TV, there's a lot of alopecia universalis women. A lot of women who due to their alopecia, have become famous. Now they've also have not gone down the rabbit hole to heal. They've also chosen not to heal in one way or another. And, you know, you just gotta respect that. I wanted to heal, I know I'm better, I know I could do better and I did, but that's got to be an individual decision and individual commitment.

And speaking of commitments, I wanted to end this podcast episode on a beautiful note. So shout out to Erica, who's in my program. She has seen a gazillion doctors, a gazillion doctors. When I spoke to her prior to her joining the program, it was absolutely mind boggling how many doctors she's seen, how many people she's talking to, how many people she's, she's been getting help from over the years. And yet she pivoted, she started the program. And even with just a handful of recommendations, her hair loss that she's had for over 7 years has gone less than half of hair loss now. So from that 100% of hair loss that she's been having, it's cut in 50% already in just 2 weeks.

So shout out to Erica, who's doing the program. I'm so proud of you and things keep getting better and better. I love getting updates from her and from all my clients. I wanted to end on a good note because this is a commitment to you. It is a commitment to you, to your health, and to your hair. And if you want it, you can have it, but you have to want it. You have to want it, you really do. So kudos to Erica, kudos to everyone else in the Hair N' Heal program and thank you so much for listening.

I hope this has helped you as a loved one, you know, seeing someone else going through this, or even how alopecia has affected your family, because I know it does affect families on so many different levels, but we can only encourage, we can only support. That next highest level would be to gift the opportunity for them to do this. So that there's no excuses, no obstacles and no hurdles.

All the best. I'll talk to you next time. Take care.